Last October I hit rock bottom...
October is a big month for me, not in the way you would expect for a photographer ie busy season. Last year in the beginning of October I hit my rock bottom. I couldn’t really deal with life and it’s pressures the way I always had. I was on the verge of giving up, my pure O, obsessive compulsive disorder, had over run my life. Maybe it was the stress of the new post covid world, maybe it was the disgusting cold/flu I had caught, maybe it was the inability to say no in my personal and business life, maybe it was 20 years of burying my intrusive thoughts, maybe it was the strong addiction to alcohol and marijuana, maybe it was the panic attacks I had been experiencing, maybe it was the bad timing of my husbands hunting trip, maybe it was a mixture of everything. Who knows! I felt like the pressure I was dealing with had legit melted my brain. I could barely think, let alone do regular daily tasks, my intrusive thoughts we’re running rampant. They were telling me that I am a horrible human being, and that I might act on these thoughts and ultimately that I should just end my life.
My beautiful life that I was blessed with was falling to pieces each time I saw a weapon. It was falling apart each time I got behind the wheel. Dark thoughts entered when seeing a bottle of pills, a rope, even scary halloween decorations would set me off. My mind went right to the unthinkable.
I knew that I needed help, I have been around mental health crisis’s my whole life so I knew what the warning signs look like and I needed to act fast. I mustered all of my courage, asked my mom and closest friends for support, peeled my not-so-showered, nasty hair, 4 day sweats wearing butt and went to urgent care to get some help…I was terrified. The dreaded moment the doctor said, “lets prescribe you an SSRI and some anxiety medication” I legit broke down into sobbing disgusting tears. The one thing I wanted to avoid my whole life had come to fruition. Stay tuned for my next post as I continue the story each week this month.